Jokes in English

Jokes in English

Enjoy good collection of funny jokes in English language, funny jokes, silly jokes, best jokes, comedy jokes

Funny Jokes in English language

Wedding dress

A little boy looks at his mum at a wedding and says, “Mummy, why is the girl dressed all in white?”
His mum answers, “The girls is called a bride and she is in white because she’s very happy and this is the happiest day of her life.”

The boy nods and then says, “OK, and why is the boy all in black?”


Fake Age

A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age.”

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

“Well”, he replied.  “I said I was 87!”


Window Frozen

Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open.

Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”

15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”


Best Punishment

What Is The Best Punishment For A Girl? Give Her New Clothes, Matching Jewelry And Nice Cosmetics And Then Lock Her In A Room Without A Mirror.


Good News or Bad News?

Doctor: “Mrs Shila, Good News For You”

Shila: “What Do You Mean By Mrs Shila? I Am Miss Shila”

Doctor : “Oh! Am sorry Miss Shila, Bad News”


Man & Woman

To Be Happy With A Man, You Must Understand Him A Lot And Love Him A Little. To Be Happy With A Woman, You Must Love Her A Lot And Not Try To Understand Her At All.


Perfect Son…..

Bob: Does he smoke?
Ana: No, he doesn’t.
Bob: Does he drink whiskey?
Ana: No, he doesn’t.
Bob: Does he ever come home late?
Ana: No, he doesn’t.
Bob: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
Ana: He will be six months old next Wednesday.


Hurts me ….

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!”


Marriage…

On their 25th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Joseph was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. “Tell us Joseph, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?” Joseph responds, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t have needed if you’d stayed single.”


Funny Jokes in English language

Wooden Ball…..

John went to a barber’s shop for a shave. The barber asked him to put a small wooden ball in his mouth so he could get a closer shave around his cheeks.

John asked: “But what if I swallow the ball?”

He replied: “No problem sir, you just bring it back tomorrow like everybody else.”


Hurts me ….

A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts.”
The doctor asks, “What do you mean?”
The man says, “When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee – OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts.”
The doctor says, “I know what’s wrong with you – you’ve broken your finger!”


Facebook Update…

John has updatef post on his Facebook

“Sleep with an open window tonight!”

2400 mosquitoes like that. 520 mosquitoes commented on it. 310 mosquitoes shared this.

One mosquito invited for the event. 3800 mosquitoes will be attending the event.


Couple in a Restaurant

Husband and wife were having dinner at a fancy restaurant…

As the food was served, Husband said:
“The Food looks delicious, let’s eat.”

Wife: Honey.. You say prayer before eating at home.
Husband: That’s at home sweetheart… Here the chef knows how to cook.


Your feet

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.


Credit card…

Police : “Sir, I don’t understand. You lost the credit card 6 month ago, why are you reporting it now?”
Garry : “The thief wasn’t spending nearly as much as my wife used to…”
Police : “But why report it now?”
Garry: “I think the thief’s wife got hold of it now.”


A Good Advice…

A good advice from a good friend!

I read in the newspaper that drinking liquor  causes liver cancer…

So please-stop reading newspapers…cheers….


Funny Jokes in English language

Santa & Banta

Santa & Banta captured a Pakistani soldier and gave him a dice and said, ” If you get 1,2,3,4 or 5, we will kill you.”

Paki:”What if I get 6?”

Santa:”You’ll have to play again.”


If a Cat Crosses U…

If a cat crosses u When u r going somewhere…

What does it mean????

It means that cat is also going somewhere!!!


Come on baby…

Come here,take off urs Pants & knicker,get on top of me,enjoy until u get satisfied,loving urs..

Toilet!

Good Morning..


Heaven….

Faithful husbands will go straight to heaven..!

While,.

Unfaithful will enjoy heaven on the earth..!!

‘Choice is you’s ”


Gujju Rocks ..

A gujju  having no child, no money, no home, a blind mother, prays to GOD,

God is pleased.

Grant him only one wish.

Gujarati: Ok god,my only one wish is..’I want my mom to see my wife putting two crore worth diamond around on my child’s neck,in my Mercedes Benz parked near swimming pool of our new bungalow in Beverly hills.

God: Damn it ! I still have a lot to learn from these GUJJUS..!!!


Jack’s Answer

Teacher : “Name me five different animals, Jack.”

Jack : “The dog, the dog’s brother, the dog’s sister, the dog’s cousin and the dog’s aunt.”

Teacher has changed her job…


Funny Jokes in English language

Why child is crying?

 Husband brings the child home from playhouse and asks his wife, “He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?”

“No,” replies the wife, “he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Johny.”


Cat & Mouse

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, “Bow-wow!” The cat ran away. “What was that, Father?” asked Baby Mouse. “Well, son, that’s why it’s important to learn a second language.”


Best Example…

Teacher: “So we proved that when ‘A’ is equal to ‘B’ and ‘B’ is equal to ‘C’ then ‘A’ equal to ‘C’. Ron give me an example for this.”

John: “I love my teacher, my teacher loves her daughter, therefore I love my teacher’s daughter…”


Idiot…

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?

Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is  listening to him can’t understand him. Do you understand me?

Son: No…….


Banta…

Banta  on phone:

Doctor my wife is pregnant. She is having pain right now.

Doctor: Is this her first child?

Banta: No this is her husband speaking !!!


Funny Jokes in English language

Getting Married..

Two men are discussing their lives. One says, “I’m getting married. I’m sick of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear.” The other one says, “Hey, I’m getting divorced for the same reasons..


Catch the train…

A man asks a farmer near a field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 5:20 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you’ll even catch the 5:00 one.”


Banta & Beautiful Girl

Banta See A Beautiful Girl Sitting Right Next To Him,

And He Writes On Paper. “I Love You, Do You Love Me?”

She Wrote On The Same Paper “No”

Banta Didn’t Give Up, He Rubs Her Answer & Passed The Same Paper To Another Girl Sitting Left To Him. And She Replies “Yes”

Moral Of The Story  “Recycle Paper And Save Trees, Save Earth“


Bill Gates & Hitler 

Teacher: “You Failure ! At Your Age Bill Gates Stood First In The Class”

John: “Mind You, Sir, But At Your Age Hitler Committed Suicide“


I am already Married…

Santa & her girlfriend Sitting In The Garden, Santa Tries To Kiss The her.

Girl : “No Dear, Not All This Before Marriage”

Santa: “Don’t Worry Darling, I Am Already Married“


Free Ticket…

An Airline Introduced A Special Package For Business Men.

Buy Your Ticket Get Your Wife’s Ticket Free.

After Great Success,

The Company Sent Letters To All The Wives Asking How Was The Trip?

All of them gave a same reply…… “Which Trip ??????”


Funny Jokes in English language

Self Insult?                   

An Angry Boss-“Tumne Kabhi Ullu Dekha Hai ?”

Employee (Sar juka Ke)- “Nahi Sir!!”

Boss- “Neeche Kya Dekh Rahe Ho Idiot?”

“Meri Taraf Dekh..!”


Sharabi in Court..

Ek sharabi Ka Court Mein case Chal Raha tha.

Judge Ne Kaha

” ORDER ORDER”

Sharabi Replied..

” Ek Chilli Chicken ,Ek Qtr Director Special with soda’  Jaldi…


Darr ke aage..

Mountain Dew’s New Ad:

Come Lets Do Something Dangerous,

Lets sit with our own wife for 8 hours !

” Darr Sabko lagta Hai, Par Darr K aage…..”


White Hair…                   

John: Why some of ur hair r white DAD?

Dad: Every time you make me unhappy, one of my hair turns white.

John: Now I understand y grandpa’s hair r ALL white..!!


Rabbit & Turtle

A rabbit runs and hops and lives only for 15 years..!!

A turtle doesn’t run,does nothing,yet lives for 450 yers !

Exercise is Hell !

Sleep well !


Funny Jokes in English language

No Bakwas…

Julie Aunty: Beta Is your Mummy at home ?

Bachha  while drinking Sprite,  “  No…  But I know you want to meet my papa.. Correct no?? .”

Sidhi baat..No Bakwas..!!


John’s Demand….                   

Johny was beaten up by his mom !!

Dad came and asked ‘What happend son ?

John reply: ” I just can’t adjust with your wife.I want my own.!!


Holy water

Ever heard about the holy water that converts your precious thoughts into speech??

?

?

Its called Darrru (liquor )..!!cheers..


Medical alert…

Medical alert about a highly dangerous virus called ‘Weekly’ overload recreational killer'(Work)

If you come in contact with this WORK virus,you should immediately go to the nearest ‘Biological anxiety relief'(BAR)centre to take antidotes known as ‘Work isolating neutralizer extract'(WINE)

Radioactive unwork medicine'(RUM) ‘Bothersome employer elimination rebooter'(BEER)’vaccino officio depression killing antigen'(VODKA)


Corporate Fact..                   

‘When I don’t do it on time,I am lazy !!

When my Boss doesn’t do it on time ‘He is Busy !!

‘Position Makes The Differnce’


Back bench boyz  Rock

C.A.T ’16 Exams best question:

Spell the word ‘COW’in 13 letters..

Topperz couldnt.

Answer by back bench boys…

‘See(C)  O Doublyou(w)”


Hurrrrrr…

Raju: I love you!

Girl: hurrrrr..

Raju: I’ll even die for you.

Girl: hurrrrr…

Raju: I can’t live without you.

Girl: hurrrrr…

Raju : I even bought a diamond ring for you.

Girl: Really?

Raju: hurrrrrr…


Funny Jokes in English language

Skeleton…

Tourist: Whose skeleton is that?

Santa: An old king’s skeleton.

Tourist: Who’s that smaller skeleton next to it?

Santa: That was same king’s skeleton when he was a child.


Education related songs…

School -“Apni to Patshala”

Tution – “Idhar chala mai udhar chala”,

Maths -“Ajib Dastan hai ye, kaha shuru kaha khatam…..”

Science- “Aa khushi se khudkushi karle”

Exam- “Zehrili raate, nind ud jati hai”

Result- “jiya dhadak dhadak jaaye re”

Pass – “Aaj mai uper.. asma niche…”

Fail- “Jag suna suna laage.”.


My memory…

Two old women were sitting on a bench

1st old women: my memory is really bad.

2nd old women: How bad is it?

1st old women: How bad is what?


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